Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Me: Are you animal, vegetable or mineral?
Justin: Both.

- Justin, not quite understanding the rules of the game.

Hobbies

I've tried hobbies and they are all really boring.

- Justin, on occupying his time effectively.

Dinosaurs

The thing is, if dinosaurs really did speak with German accents, Jurassic Park would have had to have sub-titles.

- Justin, confusing accents with languages.

Phones with murderous intent

My phone thinks I want to die.

- Justin, after asking Siri a depressing question

Autobiographies

Too many famous people write more than one autobiography.
They should only be allowed to write their autobiographies three months before they die.

- Justin, on temporal mechanics and mortality

Chickens

Chickens are arseholes.
It is a fact: they cannot be tamed.

- Justin, on chickens

Babies

I don't like babies. I think I'm scared of them, because you only have to touch them and they die.

- Justin, on child mortality rates